The Dongblast Region

Biden continues his mission to crush our collective genitals

As Biden and the Democrats continue to kick us squarely in the nuts, it’s important we remember that Sack Lives Matter. Maybe the My Pillow guy can make something to protect us from this testicular onslaught.

We are all now familiar with the Donbas Region of Ukraine, and I think it’s time to start referring to the United States under Jiao Bideng as what it has become: the Dongblast Region. He just keeps finding new and more violent ways to smash our collective genitals.

Speaking of collective genitals, while Democrats may not have a plan for socialized genitals, I can absolutely see a ban on plastics, to save the environment, which would result in people being forced to rent sustainable dildos from the public library. I’m sure they’d have a catchy slogan like ‘Please be kind and rewind’ except it would be ‘Don’t be a clown, please wipe it down’. Then of course there would be equity and accessibility issues for the ladies who want the one that’s too big to fit in the evening drop box…..but I digress.

Speaking of things that need to be introduced gradually (get it? 😂😂), Biden is now preparing the nation for food shortages. For those of you who had “can’t really get much shittier” in the office pool, I realize this is bad news. This, of course, will be accompanied by starving refugees from countries hit even harder than our own. Turns out the Middle East is most reliant on Ukrainian wheat, so prepare to tussle with people who hate the United States, but don’t want to starve, in the cereal aisle.

This war in Ukraine is so convenient for everything Democrats want that I’m getting to the point where I’m gonna need some evidence that Putin isn’t CIA. Food shortages will boost migration from the third world. I’m sure losing 1/4 of the world’s wheat will somehow necessitate vegan meat substitutes. Gas prices prove we need electric cars and other green shit. Whichever virus gets out from the Ukrainian lab will necessitate vote-by-mail in November. Everyone in Ukraine who knows Hunter Biden is dead now. It’s just a little too convenient. Nuclear power eliminates the need for windmills and solar panels so I wouldn’t be surprised if they melted one of those bad boys down to prove they are unsafe. Hey, maybe they can skip the virus and just have the radiation cloud necessitate vote-by-mail. Will they say iodine supplements are horse medicine to keep people from getting cocky and leaving the house OR does Frank Biden own an iodine factory? I guess we will find out.

Maybe the food shortages will bring back Michelle Obama’s plan to have us all eating home-grown carrots fertilized by animal waste. If enough people find themselves standing in line for a bag of horse poop to fertilize their yarden (yard garden), it’s possible that Joe Buydung will take off as a nickname.