Simperialism

America’s rich history of poontang interventionism

First of all, I just need to say that the NFL overtime rules are worse than Jim Crow. I checked during overtime and I don’t even think the players had access to complimentary bottled water. Jim Crow. The only thing worse is that rule where, if you fumble the ball out of the side of the end zone, the other team gets the ball at the 20. That rule was part of the Tuskegee Experiments. It needs to go.

Also, in thinking about this issue, I came up with a cool idea for soccer where they do a penalty kick shootout *before* the game that counts as the shootout at the end of the game if it ends in a tie. That way, if the game is tied, there is one team trying really hard to score since they already lost the shootout and it isn’t as lame.

Okay so what is ‘simperialism’? Well it describes American foreign policy since World War II and especially since Vietnam. The word ‘simp’ in Urban Dictionary means

“when a male is overly submissive to a female and gains nothing from it”

Hence ‘simperialism’ being the word to describe America’s apology tour bitch ass approach to foreign policy.

I was listening to the Commentary Magazine podcast, my favorite podcast, and they were bemoaning the fact that both Republicans and Democrats are opposed to American interventionism and projection of power as a global hegemon. In particular they were talking about how Tucker et al aren’t really interested in defending Ukraine. Noah Rothman said, with exasperation

“And like a year ago these same people were saying we should buy Greenland!!”

At this point I frisbeed my laptop into the sink and jump kicked my phone into the bushes. These people, whose job it is to do political analysis, have zero clue as to why conservatives have soured on America projecting power across the world.

It’s actually quite simple.

Democrats oppose interventionism because they think America is an evil illegitimate imperialist white supremacist power.

Republicans oppose interventionism because pajama boy cocksuckers from Harvard and Yale, Democrats who hate America, are the ones who conduct interventions, and as such they do it like apologetic pussies and the end result is a net negative for America.

You need a visual? Here’s Jake Sullivan and Ned Price

Of course conservatives aren’t interested in any grand global plans being orchestrated by these worthless cunts. If they wrote a book about it, it would be called ‘The Red Vag of Discourage’

Conservatives liked the idea of buying Greenland because that would strengthen America. We like the idea of additional territory and natural resources. That’s an empire. That’s hegemonic power. That’s what we want.

What we don’t want is Afghanistan. Not because it’s expensive. Expensive is fine…….as long as you have a plan to get the money back. It’s fine as long as we are expanding the American empire. As long as we dominate. We want a fucking empire and you guys are being pussies, so no thanks.

We don’t want you to send kids over there to get shot handing out bread and blankets and then watch them get prosecuted and sent to the brig by activist JAGs like David French and Beau Biden.

The rules of engagement, created by scum of the earth Democrats who hate the country, literally say that if you see a terrorist threat in a doorway you can’t shoot because there could be innocent women and children in the house behind them. I don’t want to bog down in the details of ‘innocent’ but if you are married to a terrorist I want you to bleed to death next to the burnt bodies of your children. But David French wants ‘rules of engagement’ so I’m no longer interested in engagement.

Isolationism please.

We were in Afghanistan for 20 years and I have to hear about China coming in after us for lithium?? Why didn’t we already strip-mine that entire fucking shithole to the bone? I’ll tell you why. Simperialism. According to these Democrat cocksuckers we can’t just exploit their natural resources. No no no. That would be rude and inequitable!! Blankets and medicine, for the children. $75 billion.

The terrorists are funding terrorism with opium. Okay cool we have fire bombs. Why am I not watching poppy farms and villages burn like Dresden? Simperialism. That’s why.

Just look at Europe. We still have troops in Europe to protect those weak mother fuckers from threats and what do we get for it? Nothing. We get nothing. And they treat us like we are equals. We aren’t equals. We are superior. Christine Legarde should be wearing knee pads with a glazed look on her face. But not with Democrats in charge. Democrats like seeing the sights and staying in hotels and feeling important. So they betray America. Fucking traitors.

If I was President and Angela Merkel called me saying that she wants to negotiate the Nord Stream pipeline I would say

“Look, bitch, you aren’t buying gas from Russia. You’re buying gas from Texas. We protect you. You buy exactly what we fucking tell you to buy you fucking kraut. Also, we are sending a team out to Germany and we are going to drill wherever the fuck we want to drill. If you have environmental complaints then we will just pull all of our troops and weapons out and we will give Putin the green light to invade you. Are you writing this down you stupid whore? Write it down.”

THAT is American interventionism. Taking land. Seizing resources. Extracting maximum benefit. Using leverage. Exploiting weakness.

But since that’s off the table, expect conservatives to give a big thumbs down to interventionism from now on. Because this is not interventionism. This is just costly, unproductive, pusillanimous, capitulation.

John Kerry wouldn’t be as popular in Paris if he cut a hard bargain for America. That’s all you need to know.