Putin’s Price Pickle

Perfidious Pasty Poopypants President Proclaims Putin Poses Primary Problem

Putin’s Price Hike is bad…..but let’s not forget Putin’s countless other attacks on our democracy, all of which include alliteration and have been focus grouped:

1. Putin’s Policing Policy, which has caused the crime wave in our democracy.

2. Putin’s Pandemic Plans, which locked us down for 2 years.

3. Putin’s Pre-K Pedo Push, which continues to create controversy in our schools and in democracy.

4. Putin’s Pipeline Prohibition, which is what actually shut down Keystone XL much to pro-America Joe Biden’s dismay.

5. Putin’s Poisoned El Pollo, which damaged both Chipotle’s brand and their democracy.

6. Putin’s Princess Paparazzi, which killed Princess Diana. Democracy was unharmed because it was wearing its seatbelt.

7. Putin’s Pornography Patronage, which has framed and unjustly taken down 60-70% of married men who never look at pornography and/or do not aggressively clear their browser history.

8. Putin’s Parking Patrols, which resulted in George Zimmerman killing Trayvon’s democracy.

9. Putin’s Patriots Packers Parlay, which cost me $2,000 last time I was in Vegas celebrating our democracy.

10. Putin’s Pringles Patent, which he holds out of spite to prevent Pringles from making a can of chips you can fit your hand into.

11. Putin’s Parishioner Penetration, which cost the Catholic Church millions in settlements.

12. Putin’s Protestant Printing Press, another vicious attack on Catholics.

13. Putin’s Planted Pandering Puff Pieces, which have created the false impression over the years that the media favors Democrats when they are really just straight down the middle!!

14. Putin’s Political Planned Parenthood, which aborted Hillary’s presidential hopes and crushed her democracy.

15. Putin’s Pescatarian Paste, which is actually just tartar sauce, but still an attack on our democracy.

16. Putin’s Profiteering Pelosi Portfolio, the suspiciously profitable brokerage account baselessly connected to Speaker Pelosi, without evidence, which has been used to frame her as a really sleazy and corrupt whore.

17. Putin’s Platitudinous Prompter, which allowed the Russians to insert vague, preening, nonsensical cliches into all of Obama’s speeches.

18. Putin’s Peen Pics, an unprecedented attack on both Brett Favre’s democracy and Hillary’s chief of staff.

19. Putin’s Pride Parades, which organize the most emotionally unstable people from the gay community and put them all together in the middle of the street at the same time to make it seem to the average observer like it’s a really weird lifestyle when, in fact, most gay people are totally normal and do NOT wear leather chaps and extraordinary amounts of eyeshadow…….in our democracy.

20. Putin’s Password Protection, which is what made it look like Hillary’s campaign was spying on the Trump White House, when they were really just protecting our democracy by checking to make sure that Trump’s password wasn’t too easy to guess. His password was ‘democracy’ which is too easy so they alerted him to this and he changed it to ‘D_emocr@cy69’