You might be asking yourself “Why is that attractive skank holding an umbrella?” You might also be asking yourself “Why am I subscribed to a Substack writing by a low-class moron who doesn’t know what a parasol is?” You might also be asking yourself “Is Demi Moore’s star power limited enough at this point for me to have sex with her?” You might also be asking yourself “Why the fuck am I looking at a still from the 90s blockbuster Indecent Proposal?”
Whatever you are asking yourself, the reason I’m showing you a production still from Indecent Proposal, a movie made when Hollywood used to have good ideas for movies, is because I have a good idea for a movie. In Indecent Proposal a billionaire offers a married couple $1 million to have sex with the hot wife. This is something I would do 1,000 times if I had a billion dollars. I would do it 2,300 times if I had $2.3 billion dollars. You get the idea.
Anyways, my idea for a movie is that there’s a billionaire who offers Sea World $1 million to have sex with the animals and it’s called Indecent Porpoisehole.
There is no way that you have ever had to work that hard for a mediocre pun before. I apologize for nothing. Okay I apologize for that time I sprayed diarrhea all over a toilet at the airport and just had to leave it there for the janitor to fix. Sorry, janitor. Aside from that, not apologizing.
I’m writing this while watching MSNBC and Lawrence O’Donnell was just talking to Lawrence Tribe. Normally if you see two guys named Lawrence together they are either sailing in Nantucket or having gay sex or having gay sex while sailing. Anyways, Mrs. Tribe was on because I guess Putin said Trump’s prosecution was political and improper. Lawrence Tribe was outraged!! He said he didn’t want to hear from Putin about prosecuting political opponents because that’s exactly what Putin does. Fair enough. I also don’t want to hear from Putin about that…..unless he brings young Russian women with him; then I’ll listen. Enough young Russian women and he can talk about his ballsack if he wants. I will gladly give him a fair hearing.
Regardless, what I would say to Larry The Disabled Guy is that if you don’t want to hear from Putin about prosecuting political opponents then probably just DON’T PROSECUTE YOUR POLITICAL OPPONENTS YOU TROGLODYTIC COCKSUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
You may have heard about Eric Adams inexplicably saying things that make sense about immigration recently. You could tell he was sincere which means he’s one of the dumbest people in the history of America. Yes, Eric, destitute illiterate people with no skills who don’t speak English do not help your economy and they are a burden. Also, if you remove all of the fences at the zoo there will be an uptick in bloody carnage. For God’s sake.
But not all Democrats are as Dumb as Eric. Democrats support open borders for a reason. Open borders causes suffering and chaos which allows the government to step in which is awesome if you’re a parasite connected to the government. That’s it. Not complex. I always get super annoyed when I hear conservatives saying “This Democrat policy XYZ is so dumb and here’s why…..” No. Democrat ideas are not dumb. They are all great ideas IF you’re an evil piece of shit who works for the government.
Okay so now about the Iranian Moolah. Biden is giving billions of dollars to the Iranians and you really don’t have to be paying attention that closely to the Ukraine thing to know that Iran is one of Russia’s key allies and weapons suppliers. Saying that giving Iran money right now makes no sense is like saying “This cat poop might need some seasoning.” It’s an understatement is all I’m saying. Supposedly we hate Russia more than anything……..but we are giving their weapons guy pallets of cash. Uh huh. Seems reasonable.
So here’s my conspiracy theory. Biden took money from Russia, China, and a Ukrainian guy connected to the pro-Russian government we overthrew. Biden took $3 million minimum from Elena Baturina and Putin 100% knows the details of this. China and Russia want to split off from the dollar and this war helps them a lot. Neocons and Zelenskyy are saying “Hey this is not enough weapons to win.” In Russia the Wagner Group guy Prigozhin, before exploding, was like “Hey this is not enough weapons to win.”
So it seems like we have a war than nobody is really trying to win that benefits Russia and China and Lockheed and Raytheon and Democrats. This is actually kinda good because if Putin and Democrats are basically working together to drag this out, that means it’s not likely there will be a nuclear exchange. Unfortunately, it also means that we are destroying the dollar and also a “cyber attack” or “nuclear plant meltdown” near the election, that requires some “adjustments” to help “Black People” vote, is still on the table.
If you’re thinking “Yes but this is terrible for America.”, please remember what we discussed earlier. If it’s terrible for America then that is an amazing news if you’re an evil sack of shit who benefits when the American government gets bigger.
Sleep tight!!
OMG, Kevin, what were you drinking last night? Your “mediocre pun” was totally unexpected and had me in stitches. And your airport story reminded me of this classic Dave Barry column: https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html
I enjoy your writing. Keep giving the Demoncrats and Jiao Bideng hell.
😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
That’s all I’ve got. However, I had to look up
troglodytic. It sounded like a word you couldn’t use in front of your Mom so wasn’t sure what to expect. 😃