Dude, Where’s My WMD?

What if we had a buttload of labs with deadly viruses set up like McDonalds franchises?

Regarding our government’s very shrewd and meticulous Global Biological Threat Maximization Program™️, The Dispatch did a handy ‘fact check’ on the subject. The real gold was in the comments section. Pure gold.

I like Steve Hayes, and not that it’s his fault, but The Dispatch comments section is strangely unrivaled in its ability to draw in the most reprehensible, self-venerating, functionless clowns that the world currently has to offer.

Please observe this ASTONISHING contribution by an apparently dangerous imbecile named ‘Gabe Godbold’.

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“I installed equipment at the Lugar lab in Tbilisi in 2014. It was September and the weather was gorgeous. I also spent 18 months working for the DTRA-sponsored Cooperative Biological Engagement Program (also known as the Biothreat Reduction Program) for Armenia (though I only visited once in January 2017).

These accusations on the part of Russia are, naturally enough, a steaming crock of bovine excrement. The program nurtures native Georgian (or Armenian, or Ukrainian, or Uzbekistani) biological scientists. It pays for them to visit conferences in the United States, Europe, and Asia that are related to microbes endemic to their countries. It also sponsors monitoring efforts for parasites and "bad bugs" in those countries. It also pays for construction costs for newer, more modern labs to do public and animal health "One Health" work. A big feature is the documentation and consolidation of stocks of especially dangerous pathogens (EDPs) which are found in those countries. Andy Webber in the Clinton administration got the ball rolling for what became DTRA (and this program), and he did good work. He is still plugging away at reducing biological threats.“

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Only fiction can create a decent analogue for this mindless, preening nutsack. Here’s the best hypothetical comparison I can think of: Imagine it’s 2012 and Estonia is on the verge of financial collapse due to ANOTHER mortgage crisis arising from asset bundling. Now imagine a guy named Gabe Dongblood waltzes into the comments section braggadociously to announce

“I worked alongside Blankfein in 2008 to build out Goldman’s derivatives shop in Pärnu. It was a labor of love. The air was crisp. Our program nurtured native securities traders……etc etc etc”

Okay so that person doesn’t exist. The still-proud Synthetic CDO Architect from Goldman Sachs, in 2012, boasting pridefully about the elegance of his craft? You can’t find him. Why? That person doesn’t exist because it is fucking inconceivable that someone would be that much of a hot, dripping bucket of shit……….and in this example we’re talking about investment bankers for Christ’s sake. It’s still inconceivable. Even THEY would never dream of being such a pompous dickwad.

Hey Gabe, you just destroyed the global economy and killed millions of people with your 9th-grade-field-trip-turned-career. Pipe down, Lord Fauntleroy, you goddam net detriment to society.

I want to find this grotesque douche bag so I can spit on his face shield, which he absolutely is still wearing. We need to totally destroy these people and it would be the easiest thing on earth to do.

Pull. Their. Funding.

Notice the effortless, banal emotionalism of

“The program nurtures native biological scientists.”

YOU LEFT DEADLY VIRUSES IN A FUCKING WAR ZONE YOU DOGSHIT SIMPLETON

Did you nurture the natives though? Were the natives people of color? Did they have special outfits and did they offer you local cuisine? Did this make you feel enriched? Did you show them your NPR tote bag? Asshole.

Oh and don’t forget

“Andy Webber in the Clinton administration got the ball rolling for what became DTRA (and this program), and he did good work. He is still plugging away at reducing biological threats.”

Yes, yes, my friends. Andy is still diligently plugging away at the thankless but necessary task of standing up a global network of potential apocalypse epicenters like an absolute dumbfuck.

Thanks, Andy Webber!!

That “plugging away” part reminds me of the time I was watching CSPAN in college and Dick Durbin thanked an IRS administrator for his service. Like he was in Nam flying sorties with my dad. “Thank you for your service.” I wanted to destroy every piece of furniture in the room but I lived in a fraternity so I was beaten to the task.

Plugging away. Laboring tirelessly, they are, with $180,000 each, per year, in stolen and wasted money, guaranteed to them for life, never having to worry about money again, which is everyone’s goal. And this is the reason they will literally kill you if you try to intervene in their buffoonish criminal enterprise. They are set for life contributing nothing and you’re attempting to ruin it with your “draconian budget cuts”.

Try divorcing a woman if you want to truly understand what these government wards are capable of when their pension is threatened.

We also have

“A big feature is the documentation and consolidation of stocks of especially dangerous pathogens (EDPs)”

Oh good they have acronyms. That’s how you know they are productive and efficient. What really needs to be ‘documented and consolidated’ is people like Gabe. We’ll call them EDMFs (especially dumb mother fuckers).

Yeah, Gabe, you should take all of those dangerous viruses that basically aren’t doing anything, but potentially could, and then consolidate them into one room. Then make the door code 1234 and make sure it takes 15 years to safely, diversely, robustly, and empathetically close down the lab if Putin moves west. Fucking moron.

But let’s not forget

“It also sponsors monitoring efforts….It also pays for construction costs for newer, more modern labs”

Oh, amazing. Monitoring. So we already have a global ‘testing and tracing’ program. We should have used that last time you caused a global biomedical holocaust, Gabe.

And newer more modern labs too? Wow. It’s so exciting to see my tax dollars at work you godforsaken piece of shit. You should tell the Democrats to delete the “Soviet-era lab” language from their talking points so we can really bask in the glory of your life’s work, you smooth-brained knife-wielding toddler.

Fired my coffee mug right out onto the deck while reading this one

“It pays for them (native scientists) to visit conferences in the United States, Europe, and Asia”

Conferences. I’m telling you. These dimwitted cocksuckers LOVE conferences. You want to talk about ‘cancel culture’, the real danger is ‘conference culture’. This is the absolute core of all rodent-laden bureaucracies. Imagine you’re an arrogant, megalomaniacal simpleton, with utopian designs, often global. Conferences are heaven for you. You imagine yourself a colossus bestriding the globe. Powerful, respected, innovative, brave, forward thinking………and staying at the Hyatt.

Oh and God help us if they are given a chance to travel to Europe. Add in Europe’s uncanny knack for seducing weak-minded jackasses with rickety buildings and overrated art and now you have a really toxic brew of fruitless idiocy. This is why global organizations like the World Economic Forum and NATO are such useless, ineffectual shitheaps (reminds me of the Munich Security Conference which met just prior to Putin’s invasion and was presciently nicknamed the Eunuch Security Conference by yours truly). They fancy themselves to be learned, globetrotting aristocrats, armed with words like ‘modalities’ and sporting a 120 IQ. They are parasites.

ELIMINATE THEIR FUNDING. For so long they were simply failed, frivolous sacks of shit and we tolerated them because it was just a small budget so whatever. But no. They have morphed into an extreme threat to civilization. DELETE THEM.

Bottom line: If chemical weapons are used in Ukraine, it’s Putin. If another contagious pathogen emerges in Ukraine, it’s Gabe. That’s all you need to know.