Zimbabwean Interference

Here’s why you accuse Robert Mugabe of election interference instead of Bob Dole

I was watching cable news the other night because I value my mental health. There was a segment where Shannon Bream, the world’s hottest 51-year-old of all time, had on guests with opposing views.

One of them pointed out that Putin only invades stuff, and totally gets away with it, when Biden is near the White House and that strangely Putin was kept in check by Donald J. Trump Russia Trump Bounties Collusion Trump Trump Golf Trump. The other guy on the show, a communist, said

“Well we know what happened when Trump was President. We look at Helsinki where he sided with Putin over our intelligence agencies.”

First of all, even if Trump had actually “sided with Putin” over our intelligence agencies, that was a press conference. Try to understand how much of a simpleton you would have to be to think that a bad press conference is a good comparison for sending Putin $100 billion in cash through a pipeline (I imagine it working in reverse when there’s no oil in it like one of those old fashioned pneumatic vacuum tube thingys), caving on missile defense for Europe, and looking the other way as literal ground invasions take place.

Putting that to the side, Trump was not siding with Putin. He was siding *against* our intelligence agencies because…..you know…….THEY WERE TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE ELECTED US PRESIDENT AT THE TIME.

This is one of those idiot talking points that they can’t let go of, even as the entire case crumbles in front of them, much like

“Trump downplayed the virus.”

Not sufficiently, he didn’t. The main criticism of Trump’s COVID response, in hindsight, is that he didn’t downplay the virus *enough*. Now we have an entire generation of children with severe psychological conditions because nobody appropriately downplayed the virus.

Okay but back to Russia. The intelligence agencies are smart and they know how to do a decent psyop and I guess I have to begrudgingly admit this one is decent. Putin is a bad guy and so was Mugabe but neither one of them is the source of all evil. What if you accused Mugabe of being responsible for 9/11? Am I allowed to “side with Mugabe” by pointing out that you’re wrong and stupid because he did not do that?

What if I’m running against you for city council and I say that R Kelly came up with your campaign slogan. Then R Kelly denies coming up with your campaign slogan. Then I ask you about it and you agree because it’s false and also because this is just a weird concept that doesn’t make sense where R Kelly is writing campaign slogans for city council candidates in Des Moines, Iowa. And then I say

“Why are you siding with R Kelly who did a pee tape and had sex with youngsters?? Hmmm?? Big R Kelly supporter are you?? Why do you like R Kelly so much why don’t you just make out with him?”

Meanwhile we have already moved on from my insane conspiratorial tinfoil hat R Kelly claims and now we’re talking about you.

See what I’m saying? It doesn’t work if it’s Bob Dole or Jim Gaffigan or Fred Couples or whatever. It needs to be Jared Fogle or someone gross. If I’m going to falsely accuse someone of helping you, in order to smear you, it has to be someone very undesirable. Because then when you deny it you’re just pushing Jared-from-Subway talking points.

The end result of this scam, where our permanent Democrat government accuses Putin of a bunch of shit he didn’t do in order to own the cons, is Putin and Xi wearing matching outfits and now we are screwed.

As I’m writing this I’m watching Tiffany Cross on MSNBC. They are talking about a report that the FBI has identified several “tech savvy juveniles” as the ones who sent bomb threats to HBCUs. Now, unlike Putin trying to beat Hillary Clinton with Facebook jokes, I can’t totally dismiss this because kids are notorious for doing bomb threats to schools and they are tech savvy, those whippersnappers. Buncha rapscallion ne’er-do-wells.

BUT I’m not seeing any mugshots of nerdy white kids and this fits a little bit too nicely in the ‘White Supremacist Threat’ narrative, so I’m going to declare this as 80% chance of being totally fake at this point.

Please do yourself a favor and watch Tiffany Cross sometime. This is genuinely the equivalent of Fox News having a weekend show hosted by me on cocaine.