The Pain From the Train is Mainly in Your Brain
And a brief discussion of Past-Her-Prime Minister Nikki Haley
Just to give you an idea of how my mind works, when Pete Buttigieg gave that talk where he was explaining about how there are too many Dirty Whites working high paying infrastructure jobs, the first thing I imagined was Pete Buttigieg in a hard hat and reflective vest at a construction site, with The Village People playing over the loudspeaker, walking down a line of construction workers with a set of calipers measuring their facial features to see if they are diverse enough to work that day. But enough about Calipers Pete for now. I’ll get back to that
I wanted to start with something on abortion to lighten the mood, and because it has been in the news recently, as a result of some Wisconsin stuff and some drug called Mifepristone? First, I am obliged to inform you that Ivermectin, which is totally inert, will actually kill you like cyanide if you take it. But Mifepristone, which explodes your womb a little bit, is safe and effective. Trust the science, racists.
I’m not sure if I have given my position on abortion in this newsletter before, but just in case I haven’t it is as follows. If you care about abortion you are a petty, narcissistic, adolescent psychopath. That’s my position. Now if you think abortion should be legal that’s a different matter. That’s different than caring. My view is that human life begins at 15 weeks. And by that I mean, if you want abortion to be legal after 15 weeks you’re not human; you’re a pagan barbarian. But if you think it should only be legal prior to 15 weeks then you’re probably a human, but maybe not, depending on your desired top tax rate. So the human life of the individual abortion opinion holder begins at or prior to the arbitrary 15 week cutoff……..probably. Hope that clarifies.
Regardless, as I said, thinking abortion should be legal is very different from *caring* about it being legal. The petty, narcissistic, adolescent psychopaths are the ones who *care* about being able to have an abortion. They select their government, which runs everything (sadly), based on this fringe, frivolous, niche issue. They are the ones protesting in front of the Supreme Court and attending rallies, screaming, with veins bulging, like the White Supremacists in Charlottesville. Or in this case I guess it’s Harlotsville (laughing at own joke).
Now you might be thinking “Oh come on it’s not a minor issue. Having a baby is a big deal.” To which I would agree………EXCEPT IT ISN’T THE 1400’S, YOU LUNATIC. Unlike the abortion fanatics, my major political issue, the one I care about the most, is taxes (and thus obviously also the size of government). I care about taxes because the government steals half of my money and they *always* steal half of my money. I say “always” because it’s not like if I go out to bars and bang a bunch of random chicks, using a haphazard mix of contraceptives, then there is a 4% chance that once every five years one of them will get pregnant and I might have to drive them to New Mexico and pay taxes. No no no no. I have to pay taxes every time no matter what. Half my money. Now *that* is a serious issues.
As I said, abortion would be a serious issue if this was the 1400’s, but it isn’t. You really don’t want kids? Fine. Understandable. I really don’t want to pay taxes. Also understandable. But imagine if there was a pill I could take every day that made it so I didn’t have to pay taxes. I cannot describe to you the religious vigilance with which I would take that pill. My pill-taking zealotry would be surpassed by none. I would download the atomic clock app to make sure I’m taking that pill at the same exact time, to the second, while facing to the east, every day without exception. Now imagine if they also made ribbed latex gloves that I could wear when taking money to the bank that prevented taxes. My entire garage would be filled with wholesale pallets of those goddam gloves. Now imagine there is also a special jelly I can put on those gloves and a technique where I can pull my hand out of the bank deposit slot at the right moment to avoid taxes and etc etc etc. I would do all of it non-stop obsessively and I would never pay taxes.
So why would I do all of those things to avoid taxes? Because, unlike the women who are cursing with rage that having a baby is the worst thing on earth, but who are at the same time unwilling to take the three or four simple steps that allow you to have unlimited sex without ever having a baby even if lighting strikes; unlike them, I *actually* hate paying taxes and don’t want to pay taxes and would gladly take the necessary steps. Those people are just mad at their parents, otherwise they’d simply use the candy store full of contraceptives that is currently available and get on with their lives with the 0.0000% level of concern about unwanted babies that is easily achievable if you are even modestly conscientious.
Okay. Moving along. About how the pain from the train is mainly in your brain. I don’t really know exactly what to think at this point. I will say that burning the chemicals and creating a gigantic mushroom cloud, which is guaranteed to attract attention from everyone except NORAD, this seems like something you would only do (given the Hiroshima-level upgrade to the negative optics) if it was a really huge ass problem for that stuff to get into the groundwater. As dumb and incompetent as I think everyone is, I still think most people understand “big fire go boom boom smoke mushroom cloud look bad bad” enough to not set that shit on fire just for fun unless you really really need to set it on fire in order to keep it away from the water table. Anyways, I hope they will keep testing the local air and water with whatever fake useless COVID-antigen-style tests that the government uses to test air and water. Also, I think my nickname for the incident ‘Benzeneghazi’ is almost as good as my nickname for January 6th which is ‘Earl Harbor’.
The one thing that bothered me most about the whole train debacle was the extreme gaslighting. “The train is good it’s all in your head this is relatively normal and fine.” There’s normal everyday gaslighting and then there’s the train derailment gaslighting. Maybe we can call this ‘toxic gaslighting’, because it is so much worse than normal. The specific toxic gaslighting in question here was when Calipers Pete actually came out and said “Yes but we have 1,000 train derailments per year”. Please remember this next time you hear “evidence-based” and “data-driven”. This is one of their favorite things to do, it is always this absurd, and it is just lying with data to a degree that Adolf Hitler would feel is over-the-line.
Oh really, Calipers Pete? We have 1,000 of these per year? So basically THREE TIMES PER DAY there is a mushroom cloud you can see from Saturn? Good to know. According to the data and the science, these catastrophes that have never happened before are super common. Three of these per day. Gotcha, you reprehensible, dishonest, pagan sack of shit. Thank you for the context and robust nuance, Pete, you depraved imbecile.
One of the reasons I’m so confident in declaring Democrats to be Satanic perverts is because I’m not a great person myself. I’m not committing crimes or anything but I have plenty-o-faults. And bad as I may be, Democrats are consistently doing shit like this that I would never dream of doing in my entire life no matter what. If your mom gets hit by a bus I’m not going to miss the funeral and then explain “Oh yeah but buses go through intersections 228,000 per day.” What kind of a low-class dickweed would do something like that? Calipers Pete would, that’s who.
Finally, I feel like I should address Don Lemon’s hilarious comment that got him in trouble where he said Nikki Haley is an old harpy. As I gave away in the subtitle, if Nikki Haley gets elected to anything from now on we should say she was elected Past-Her-Prime Minister. And when Don Lemon is elected President in 2028 we should call him Dear President Don Lemon, while bowing respectfully and solemnly, because Democrats will have concentration camps for dissenters built by then.
As a result of this kerfuffle I have been inundated with stock photos and screenshots of President Lemon as everyone is posting opinion pieces and satire and memes and news stories about the whole thing. One such picture is the picture I used for this newsletter with President Lemon and his husband at the beach. One thing I will say for Don is that prime or no prime, Don Lemon is 57 years old and he looks great. I hope I look like that when I’m 57 years old and living in one of the aforementioned concentration camps for dissenters. I should also note, after taking one look at Don Lemon’s tall burly husband with large hands, there’s one thing we can fairly assume: the elasticity of Don Lemon’s butthole is probably past its prime.
Bravo! Top tier laughs! I chortled more than once.
"Earl Harbor." Too good. You're better than vintage Dave Barry.