WARNING: the last half of this one is extraordinarily childish
First of all, I just want to say that the next person who says “our democracy” in my presence is going to get jump-kicked right in “their republic” by me.
Sorry I’ve been away for awhile. My secretary, who I’m having sex with, will refund all of your fake $79.99 for the period I was absent. (we aren’t having sex right now I just mean we are generally having sex)
I don’t want to bother you with the details of the reason for my absence, but I was driving Donald Trump to the swap meet and he jumped from the back seat and bashed my steering wheel with a fire extinguisher. I crashed the car into the swap meet, badly injuring myself and killing seven others. I didn’t hit them with my car, it’s just that seven of the people at the swap meet that day have since died. Therefore, using Jan 6 logic, I crashed my car killing seven.
Oh and not to take a huge Jan 6 detour but this horseshit about how people died *from* Jan 6 but not *at* Jan 6, is a good topic for quizzing your friends and neighbors to see exactly how retarded and vulnerable to propaganda they are. It also reminds me of the best sports radio joke of all time. They were discussing a woman who flew off of a rollercoaster in Texas on 1310 The Ticket and one of the hosts said
“Well technically nobody has died *on* the Texas Giant….”
Anyways, supposedly some folks died subsequent to Jan 6 from bear spray exposure. Really? Let’s think about this for five seconds. Bear spray isn’t magic. It’s not like a mystical shaman thing where you wave some beads over somebody’s head. It is a pepper spray, strong enough for bears, that gets into your eyes and nose and throat and lungs and it causes inflammation and fluid and etc etc etc. In terms of the autopsy guy thinking “jeez I wonder what the fuck happened here”, death from bear spray represents one of the most obvious “okay yeah here’s the knife” autopsy results that is humanly or grizzly…..ly possible.
(“autopsy guy” sounds funnier than coroner)
If someone within 100 miles of Jan 6 had actually died from bear spray, the autopsy result would be on the front page of the New York Times. Democrats would be protesting on overpasses, like some of the pro-life people do, holding up giant posters with graphic and gross looking pictures of his lungs. His inflamed fluid-filled lungs would have a posthumous verified Twitter account managed by George Soros. What I’m saying is that this is fake. The Russians did not put a bounty out on anyone’s lungs. Zero bear spray deaths. Fake.
One other Jan 6 thing that is more hopeful. I think Jan 6 proves how far we’ve come as a nation in terms of race relations. Back in the day, Black Americans were lynched for unfounded allegations of, for example, whistling at white women. This sort of thing is what started the Tulsa Massacre. Fast forward to today and we look at Jan 6. A black guy absolutely, 100%, not rumored at all, on camera, shot a white woman, a military veteran, right in the throat with a pistol at point-blank range, and she immediately bled to death and died and nothing happened. There was no Jan 8 where angry whites mobbed the Capitol to protest the killing of a white woman. Not only was the black guy who shot her in the throat not subject to a lynch mob, he got a TV interview, was not charged, and is collecting $8k-$11k per month in taxpayer pension money. (to be fair I have never been whistled at or shot in the throat but my rankings put throat-shooting as more egregious)
We’ve come a long way is what I’m saying.
Okay so now on to the Castration Verification Service. Like so many in America I have been inspired by Lia Thomas. I credit this idea to her. You may or may not know this but there’s a guy named Lia Thomas who has been waving his dick around in the women’s locker room and dominating women’s swimming. My solution for this, and for all of the transgender stuff, is to say fine. Good. Let’s do this. You’re a woman? You want women’s rights? I mean you’re not a woman but if you really really want to do this then we are gonna cut your dick off. That’s the cover charge to get into the women’s bathroom. If you want women’s rights, the least you can do is cut your dick off. And balls, obviously. But if I say “dick and balls” it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as nicely as “cut your dick off”. Admittedly, this entire newsletter entry originated with me wanting to use the phrase, for the first time in the history of the English language, “the least you can do is cut your dick off”. I’m fairly certain nobody has ever said or written that sequence of words before. (please don’t Google the phrase and alert me to someone using it previously because I would be devastated and would want to cut my own dick off)
This castration verification idea is a lot like my idea for informed consent when it comes to abortion. I’m not talking about informed consent where they have you do an ultrasound before making the decision. My version is where you are required to watch 3 hours of random amateur porn before you are allowed to vote on abortion. Obviously we don’t vote on abortion so this is just for people who list it as a top five issue.
You really do need to be informed on what’s causing all of this abortioning before you cast your ballot. Gross people are doing really nasty stuff with each other. That’s what’s causing the abortions. And much of it is unprotected…..constitutionally protected activity. Maybe the Castration Verification Service can manage the government porn watching regime as well. I don’t know I’m just spitballing here.
Now I’m a reasonable guy and I don’t think we should mandate the fake vagina surgery as well. I’ve heard some very negative reports on that procedure, and it’s much more costly than simple castration, so there might be ‘undue burden’ issues. It generally just seems unfair to enforce fake vaginas. We can call this the Two-thirds Compromise. You know……because without the fake vagina you would only have 2/3rds as many sexual entry points as a real woman, but we would still consider you a woman under the law.
So we make up a cool logo and hire some agents and voila the CVS is born. They can set up a booth next to the county clerk’s office where you show up with documents to verify the castration occurred. We could even have drop boxes for convenience. LOL the first guy who puts his severed penis in the drop box that is really just for the castration verification documents.
I’m not up to date on the legality of ‘stop and frisk’ but we can probably do that as well. Since it’s a federal agency we will need outfits and helmets (I would want to design the shape of the helmets personally) and bullet-proof vests and flamethrower tanks and a shitload of rubber gloves and, of course, a catchy slogan
“When you see the badge, we’re here to check your vag.”
The most important thing, by far, is the bronze statue, in front of the DC headquarters, of Janet Reno.
I kept waiting for the extraordinarily childish part, like the way I used to read National Geographics when I was a lad. But then the article was over and I realized you’re NOT BEING SERIOUS. I’m disappointed because the CVS makes so much sense. (Actually the helmet part was childish. Good one!!)
You think this is the first time “the least you can do is cut your dick off” has been used? Hillary Rodham would like a word.